Growing Old Gracefully

Aging Gracefully (but not passively)

Preface: I am a healthy person, but I’ve learned from watching others that aging is a privilege. Sometimes that little cough isn’t an allergy but the first observable symptom of something unexpectedly bad. I’ve also learned that we, as humans, can do some things every day to make us feel better and help ward off or reduce the consequences of some very serious deterrents to a happy old age.

Outline

When did it start?
Exercise through the decades
Medical stuff
Semi-medical stuff
Teeth
Beauty and fun stuff
Diet and weight maintenance
Friendships and loneliness
Minimalism and meditation
Finances

Over the years, I have had the privilege of spending time with a few older people I respected, admired, and enjoyed. Knowing them, I developed a theory about aging.

Figure out what kind of person you want to be when you get old and start being that person right away so the behavior becomes a habit.

Aging started earlier than I expected! I was living the life of a student at the age of 42, looking very young, but I’d stopped having monthly periods. What the…!?! A doctor suggested I get some bloodwork done, but I was traveling. Fast forward a year when I settled in San Diego, my doctor ordered bloodwork, and I discovered I’d gone through menopause!! And then, I had an eye exam and discovered I needed bifocals – are you kidding me?? People thought I was in my 20’s. How could I be menopausal and need bifocals???

I also started to gain weight, which wasn’t all that unexpected because I had decided to eat whatever I wanted. I was a big fan of tortilla chips and developed a taste for dessert and nice wines. And my sisters and mother were all overweight – I was joining the club.

Oh yes, and I was flat broke (but not in debt) with two daughters heading to University.

So, no money, menopausal, needed bifocals, getting fat and no job…This is how I discovered that aging is not a linear process. My motto became “there’s no time like the present!”

When you finally take an assessment, take action.

Exercise – I’ve always enjoyed some kind of exercise, usually jogging like my dad did for many years. One day, my gym with the indoor track burned down, I’m not kidding, and I had to start jogging outside on the mean streets of New York. I was jogging along and noticed a police car at the end of the promenade where I was jogging. You know what? I don’t want to have to exercise under police protection! I stopped running that day.

I’d been reading about knees and running, and I decided I would save my knees for later. I switched to walking. Turns out I like walking on a treadmill or a walking track in a gym. I’m not a lover of outdoor walks! I was moving around a lot and needed to find a place each time I moved. I was using an exercise bike, and I even bought myself one at one point.

Eventually, in my late 50’s I moved to Manhattan. The doctors were very impressed with my appearance of athleticism. I was doing a lot of walking, going up and down subway steps and walking around Manhattan.

But my body knew the real story. I started having trouble getting out of bed without doing some stretching. After a couple of times trying to answer an early morning call, I realized I needed to work with a trainer. I hired a trainer in Manhattan who started coming to my house. She was also a Pilates instructor, so she incorporated a lot of yoga and Pilates exercises into the routine.

When I moved to Canada at the age of 66, I found a trainer who had the same goals for me as I had for myself. She was in her 50’s, so understood that I wanted to be able to function as I got older, not just build muscles.

I still work out with my trainer a couple of times a week. We’ve become friends, and she’s part of my social life – even when I’m not exercising with her. My trainer is in her 60’s now, and her goal is to keep me in the kind of shape I need to be in to get up off the toilet the rest of my life, and be able to get up off the ground.

Here are some weird things my trainer has me working on that you might not think of needing to exercise:

Hands
Ankles
Shoulders
Toes
Lungs
Kegels (pelvic floor)
Balance

Medical – I felt like I was pretty good about staying on top of stuff, once I re-entered my life in my 40’s. After I went through menopause, I got on hormone replacement and started having mammograms. Another wakeup call came, literally, when my sister phoned me from London, England to tell me that she had colon cancer – she had a very large tumor removed when we were 60 years old. She died when she was 65 years old.

I hadn’t even considered getting a colonoscopy until her diagnosis. It sounded messy and disgusting. I scheduled one after I got back from my birthday trip. The doctor said good for me for coming in, but it would be better if people came in at 50. If my sister had gotten one at the recommended age of 50, now 45 is the recommended age, she would probably still be alive.

I had two colonoscopies that were both normal, and I now do a thing called a fecal immunochemical test (FIT) every couple of years. My Papp smears have always been mostly normal, although I’ve had a few things scraped off in early stages. My skin is pretty good, but I’m prone to certain kinds of skin cancer.

I get a bone scan every few years and have osteopenia now, so the exercise (especially weight bearing) has definitely taken a priority place in my health care.

So, here are a few of the basic preventative measures to consider:

Colonoscopy or at least afecal immunochemical test (FIT)
Mammograms
Pap smears
Bone scans
Skin care for removal of growths, including melanoma, basal and squamous cell carcinomas.
Eye exams – some of this is optional (like getting contact lenses), some of it

Medical-type stuff that is optional – I made the decision not to have any major optional work done, and I reserve the right to change my mind! However, there were a few things I thought would increase my self confidence without being super-invasive. Here are a few of the things done by doctors at my own cost that I found worth it.

1. Spot removal (usually with lasers) on my hands and face
2. Ear lobe repair – I had my earlobe piercings repaired and re-pierced, so now they are nice, neat holes in the correct location. Treat yourself to having your ears repaired and re-pierced! Weird, right??? But if you have saggy ear holes, get them fixed!!! I bet this works for other piercings as well, if you had a more adventuresome youth than I had.
3. Bunion removal – I had both feet operated on to remove bunions and, on the left foot, removal of bone spurs. Although these can be painful, it is an optional surgery usually done because people don’t like the way their feet look.
4. Spider vein treatment – my dermatologist’s office did this for me. I’ve done it a couple of times, but they do come back.

Teeth – Take care of them, folks! I’ve had problems with my teeth since childhood, but they always looked good, until they didn’t. I’ve spent a lot of time in the dentist’s chair over the years and gotten a lot of advice, which I’ve taken, mostly.

Here are my personal takeaways:

Floss! I started flossing every day a few years ago, just like my dad. Before that, I would floss a couple of times a week, but as I got older I grew a little wiser about that lecture by the dental hygienist.
Cleaning and checking at least twice a year, more often if you can afford it and have the beginnings of gum issues. The dental community has figured out how to make money on prevention, and that’s not a bad thing.
Braces – I had my teeth straightened when I turned 60. I did it to look good, but I did it for health reasons, too. A couple of my teeth had gone wonky and my gums were bleeding around those teeth because I couldn’t floss them properly. For people who don’t want braces, the Invisalign system is available.
Teeth whitening. My dentist gave me whitening product as a gift when the braces came off. Now, periodically, I use whitening strips from the drugstore. I feel better about myself when my teeth look better.

Beauty and fun stuff – It’s not all grim stuff, I promise! I’ve spent a lot of time putting on makeup and doing stuff to my hair. I’ve even hired a personal shopper a couple of times, and I paid somebody to go through my closets and modernize my wardrobe also. Every time I move, I look around for somebody with hair I like and find out who her stylist is. Then I call up and make an appointment.

Here’s some fun stuff with a big payoff in my world:

1. Hair – the discussion you’ve been having with yourself and maybe with friends and strangers! As we age, everybody thinks about going gray or not going gray. I started having the discussion while I was living in Paris when I was in my early 40’s. I wasn’t exactly coloring my hair, but at some point I started highlighting it. Basically, I was looking pretty blond, with some gray mixed in.

One day, when I was 49-ish, I saw a black and white picture of Carolina Herrera and thought her hair was gray (it’s blond). I clipped out the photo and carried it around with me until I got up the nerve to show it to my stylist. It was a short cut that I thought would look good on me. My stylist and I worked for months to get my look, but I was determined to not be one of those women who ended up with gray roots growing out.

2. Beauty – I regularly go to free makeup counters and learn about new techniques and colors. I get my makeup done for fancy events, and sometimes just for my wedding anniversary or birthday. I want to see the new colors and makeup styles. I’ve also met some really nice people.

3. Got my colors done! Twice!!! It was fun, and I started dressing with more confidence. However, one of the people tried to convince me that gray wasn’t a good color for me, so the hair needed to be dyed. I had to give her a very firm “no” on that one.

4. Clothing updates – many department stores have personal shoppers. I sought them out, and they helped me update my wardrobe. I consider myself a minimalist at this point, so I don’t want to acquire a lot of clothing, but sometimes a personal shopper can help you save by picking out what suits you best. A few years back, I had a professional conference to attend, so I went to Lord & Taylor and worked with a personal shopper. I looked fabulous with my gray hair and new stylish look!

5. Regular facials and massages – these are the best! I especially appreciated going for both facials and massages when I was living alone (well, I did have my cats, so not completely alone). I scheduled monthly massages. If you can’t afford them, many places have beauty schools that charge much less.

6. Daily facial skin care – here’s a thought: I treat my neck and hands with the same beauty products that I use on my face. Hey, they make a lot of products that feel good and maybe help me look better. I like to experiment a little with them, to the extent my budget allows.

- Facial cleanser – I use Phisoderm to clean my face and neck. I’ve used this product since I was an oily-faced teen. I have switched from the oily skin product to the dry skin product as I’ve gotten older.
- Serum – After my face and neck are clean, I put on a serum. I’ve experimented with a few, and I currently use N⁰7 Restore & Renew Face and Neck Multiaction Serum. I love the way it feels!
- Eye cream – I use Clinique All About Eyes Rich cream (I use it on my lips, too. Thanks for the tip, Bobbi Brown.)
- Moisturiser – N⁰7 Restore & Renew Face & Neck night cream. I use it in the daytime, too.
- Moisturizer – I use Cinique Moisture Surge 72-hour auto-replenishing hydrator (their words, not mine) for day time and when I wear makeup, which is relatively rare these days.
- Sunscreen – I use La Roche-Posay Anthelios Mineral 50fps tinted on my face, doctor’s orders!!!

Healthy Eating habits and weight maintenance – most of my life, I’ve been slim, or athletic, never skinny. After menopause, I started gaining weight and totally accepted the “new me”. I gave away my “slim” clothes and bought larger sizes.

Then my daughter Michele called me at the end of her Freshman year at university to say she wanted to get rid of her “Freshman 15” pounds. I suggested we learn how to eat by attending Weight Watchers (now called WW). They were used to larger people, even in LA, and they didn’t want to encourage eating disorders, but we persuaded them that we were genuinely interested in healthy eating.

We learned a lot! I became a lifetime member and learned how to maintain my weight. I still attend monthly meetings, at least. But being at a healthy weight doesn’t automatically translate to being healthy.

Along the way, I read Michael Pollan’s book: In Defense of Food (reviewed here on my website https://thecuriousenior.com/in-defense-of-food/) and learned a lot about responsible eating. All I can say is “Be afraid. Be very afraid.” His book talks about food production and going back to basics on what to eat.

Now, I’m a careful label-reader and want my food (and edible food-like substances) to be free from additives, sugar, certain kinds of fats and other items. Check out potato chips next time you’re in the store. I buy the chips that have potatoes, oil (preferably avocado or olive oil) and salt. If the manufacturer puts another ingredient in the title, I can guarantee that there are all sorts of unpronounceable things in that bag. I even discovered that some frozen vegetables had salt and sugar in them! Chicken stock can have MSG in it. Just be careful folks!

All my life, I had stomach aches, and they got worse as I got older. At a certain point, I started having issues after eating certain things. I was getting really ill, but I was having trouble identifying what foods weren’t working. Eventually, I went to an allergist with my list of problematic items, as best as I could figure out. She didn’t find any specific food allergies that would cause me to have the problems I had, but based on my list and the symptoms, she recommended that I go on a yeast-free diet. It’s basically what my dentist had recommended when I was 7 years old: no sugar, limited carbohydrates, not too much fruit, limited milk products.

The times I’ve gotten sick (and a lot of my friends will attest to this) I have ignored the yeast-free diet, thinking (hoping?) it was my imagination. This means no more baguettes fresh out of the oven while I’m in Paris, slathered with butter and jam!! Also, no more café-crème. (Can you see the tears??)

The allergist also told me no wine or beer! But that was a bridge too far at the time. I wasn’t having identifiable physical reactions to those beverages, so I continued to drink them, in lesser quantities. Eventually, the beer went and I cut back on the wine. I finally stopped drinking alcohol entirely February 24, 2020!

Many thanks to Brook Castillo for her great coaching on stopping drinking. “I am a woman who doesn’t drink wine.”

Friendships and Loneliness – It’s possible to be lonely when you have a partner in life, and it’s possible to not be lonely when you don’t. I’ve done both. When I turned 50, especially after I let my hair go to its natural color, which involved gray, I felt like I had lost my tribe. Is it true what they say, women over 50 become invisible, or is it that we think we’re invisible? We no longer get the flirty looks we got when we were younger. If you’re a single woman of a certain age, this is pretty devastating.

At first, I had a really hard time. Then, I started making or renewing friendships that didn’t rely on old dating patterns but were more oriented toward common interests. The internet wasn’t the way it is now, but email was starting to become more common. I could communicate with friends in different locations, easily and cheaply.

I began to socialize with people in a different way. And days of the week took on different meanings. Friday nights were now for watching programs I’d saved during the week or selecting a movie to watch, washing and ironing clothes, waiting for food delivery from the grocery store. I also was in a position to travel wherever I wanted to go. Usually, I traveled to places where I knew people and would get together with them. I was traveling alone but I wasn’t lonely.

I met The Canadian (my husband) at a friend’s birthday party in Toronto, ON. At the age of 62, I definitely was not looking to get into a relationship and wasn’t sure I wanted to make the compromises necessary. Eventually, we worked out the details, got married and I moved to Canada. I’m now a dual citizen.

Now that I’m retired, living in Canada and no longer have the ready-made community of my working life, I find certain activities more important than ever. If you are in tune with your values and what you love, you can find a community of people in social media. I know it’s much maligned, but you don’t have to let it get to you.

And, if something starts to cause anxiety, I stop engaging with it. I stopped watching the news years ago, on the advice of Dr. Andrew Weil in his book “8 Weeks to Optimum Health”. These days, I also stop engaging with on-line groups if I feel I’m not getting value from them. I look for things that align with my values, encourage improvement, make me laugh, and brighten my day.

Here are a few of the things I’ve done to make me feel like I’m in a community and have friends:

I listen to the radio – I’m not joking! My best “friends” I never met were the DJs on popular radio shows every place I’ve lived. As soon as I moved to a new community, I would find a station and get to know the DJs. They become my friends, and I look forward to them every weekday.
I joined on-line communities for cooking, minimizing, meditation, exercising, learning stuff. Stay in these communities as long as you’re enjoying them. If you start feeling uncomfortable, move on to something else.
Podcasts are my go-to when I have a little time, and I’m interested in a topic.
I listen to audio books, mostly, rather than read, although I’ve bought a few books that I wanted to reference after listening to them. And I have a Kindle, especially for airline travel.
I record and watch shows where I enjoy the people who are on them. I really like The Voice and Dancing with the Stars. I find them to be very positive and uplifting. Also, I enjoy Kelly and Ryan, and The Talk.
I have friends IRL (as the tech-savvy people say) also, and during lock-downs we talk on the phone or video chat where before we would have met for coffee or lunch. I’m not always good at follow-through, but I do make contact with friends from the past and other locations on the phone or with email.
I will often end up having conversations with clerks who work in stores, often young women in the cosmetics departments. They’re trained to be friendly AND complimentary. They usually tell me I don’t look my age and then recommend products. We have a conversation. No need to judge, it’s human contact!
Pets – years ago, I ended up getting two kittens in a divorce. The cats were with me for 18 years! My cats were great for cuddling and interacting, and they really didn’t care whether my hair was gray or my makeup was smudged from tears.

Minimalism and Meditation – A good place to start this section is with my Last Will and Testament. That’s the document where you give all your stuff away when you die. My lawyer, a lovely young woman, pushed me very hard to list all my stuff and say who should get what. So, I dutifully listed two pearl necklaces, a Rolex watch, some chairs and some other stuff.

Fast forward a few years, I read a book entitled “All That Remains” by Joshua Fields Milburn of The Minimalists. At that same time, my daughter Michele was reading another of their books. Their ideas resonated with me, and I started to do the work of minimizing and to live intentionally. I have “met” to so many people and been introduced to all kinds of philosophies and ideas through their movies and podcasts.

I spoke to my daughters about the stuff in the Will, and all the other stuff I had in my space. Guess what??? They didn’t want any of it!!! Oh my…

It takes a while to realize that intentional living through minimizing is a way of life, not a destination.

Joshua Becker, who hails from Omaha, NE, created Becoming Minimalist and offers classes than run for 12 weeks. You pay once, but you can join future classes when they occur. However, you are with the group you originally joined if you decide to follow and participate on FaceBook. I first took the class in 2018, so my “classmates” and I post our successes and frustrations on our own page. This is another community that makes me feel very welcome.

I was listening to The Minimalist podcast when Dan Harris (the former news broadcaster who famously disintegrated on national television) was a guest on the show. His book, 10% Happier, had just been released, and they were discussing the book and his meditation journey. I bought the book and later bought the audio version. He developed a podcast, so I signed up for that, too.

I was already listening and meditating to Deepak Chopra and Oprah Winfrey’s courses. There are all different kinds of meditation. It’s still a work in progress. I started meditating, but not the kind that involves sitting for hours and hours trying not to fall asleep. Meditation has really taken off, and people are finding it in may different forms.

I usually meditate at night, and I often will meditate before I get out of bed in the morning. Also, I use specific meditations and stories to fall asleep at night.

Here are a few starting points for both minimalism and meditation.

The Minimalists – again, two good friends that I’ve never met! I listen to their podcasts and decided to join the paying audience on Patreon because I find value in what they are doing.
Becoming Minimalist – I started following the group with which I took the class and often participate in FaceBook conversations on line.
Marie Condo – she’s an organizer who assists people in focusing on making their lives more meaningful by removing possessions that don’t give them joy. I’ve watched her Netflix series and even bought her book which was kind of hard to get my hands on. I liked some of her ideas.
10% Happier – I recommend the book, both audio and written, and his podcast, both the free version and the app, which has an annual fee.
Deepak Chopra’s app – this was an important starting point for me, especially the meditation programs he and Oprah Winfrey published. I bought a number of them, including Getting Unstuck: Creating a Limitless Life, Hope in Uncertain Times, and 7 Days to Relieve Street and Anxiety.
Calm app – this app is great for meditating and sleep stories.
Curable app – this app is intended to help deal with pain and contains meditations.

Finances and financial security – I lived a crazy financial life for many years. I felt like I was always in debt and on the verge of poverty. At a certain point, I started visualizing having money in the bank and being free to do what I wanted because I had the money to do it. I received a couple of payouts from my work in venture capital, which allowed me to be debt-free at the age of 40. Then, I went to Paris for a couple of years. When I returned, I was still debt-free, but…at 42 years of age, I was broke, homeless, living with friends and using a borrowed car.

My first step was to get a seasonal job at a department store. Every (small) pay check I set aside a small amount as savings, at least $5. I wanted to establish the habit of saving and the feeling of prosperity, if that isn’t too grandiose for a $5 contribution to the big void.

I took a second job as a temporary receptionist in an office that would allow me access to office equipment and a computer. I wrote my resume and started contacting people who might help. About 6 months after starting this process, I had a job in San Diego for a small company with a salary that permitted me to buy a car and rent an apartment. I also sold some stuff – jewelry, a fur coat, a piano (don’t ask…) and some of my nicer clothing. I had health care and a 401K with that company.

Within year of taking the San Diego job, I went back to work for a company for which I had been a lawyer and contractor. It was a good position, and I was able to get back into the game. Even working there, I had some ups and downs, but I knew that I would be able to take care of myself and provide an education for my daughters.

As the years passed, I went to another financial firm in San Francisco for a couple of years, with a little time off in between. I made several other job changes and, in 2003, I went to work for a company that offered a pension. It wasn’t the reason I went to work for them, but I stayed with them until my retirement. Lucky!

So, here’s what I did, starting at about 42 years of age:

I got out of debt and never accrued any additional debt, except for a house that I sold a couple of years after I bought it. I even paid cash for my cars.
I saved a little bit until I was able to save more, always putting money in the bank.
I signed up for any benefit plans provided by the companies I worked for and topped up any time I was allowed within the limits of the regulations for employee savings, such as 401(k) plans. Most of the companies would match up to 3% (for the math-challenged, that’s 100% return on the 3% you put in). But I put in as much as I could.
I took advantage of any medical plans that allowed me to set money aside for pre-tax medical procedures – making sure that the amount I set aside didn’t exceed the cost of any work I had planned (braces, other dental costs).
I lived below my means. I rented apartments that were more than comfortable but not at the top of my budget. I bought cars outright, no leasing or financing.
I purchased Long Term Care insurance (and bought term life insurance until I knew my children were financially stable).
I set aside money in an investment that is almost a cash equivalent so I would be assured of having sufficient funds to continue paying my Long Term Care insurance premiums.
Any time I received a lump sum of cash, I took about 10% of it to treat myself and often my children. The rest went into savings. My memorable story about this was taking my daughters to Toys-R-Us and telling them to fill a shopping cart with whatever they wanted. That might be more dangerous today with the electronic toys, but at the time it cost me $250 – and the reward was seeing my children happy.

I now live on social security, the pension, and my rollover IRA required minimum distributions. Although I manage my own funds, I have advisers on certain types of investments through the brokerage firm where I have an Individual Account, a Roth IRA (that doesn’t work for me due to the tax treaty between Canada and the US), and my Rollover IRA.

Final thought on aging: It’s not over yet!! I’m still learning and growing. My last big event was my stepson’s wedding. I pulled together my resources, and the picture at the top of this post shows the result!!