March 20, 2020
As we adjust to what will be our “new normal” which involves social isolation for the next little while, it’s the perfect time to think about what our new social lives are like without physical contact. If you’re like me, you’re used to getting together over coffee or tea, meeting up for walks or exercise, going to the grocery or drug store and chatting with people, having lunch with a friend or two – or having a dinner party. For now, those are not safe options, especially for those of us who fall into a high risk category.
It’s time to revive phone calls. There is a lot of technology out there: Skype, FaceTime, WhatsApp, Messenger…the list goes on and on. But you don’t need to get fancy. Just call and connect.
There are two kinds of phone calls: spontaneous and scheduled. They can both work, but I find that the scheduled phone calls are often the ones that are more satisfying and make me feel more connected. If I get a call out of the blue, I often find myself in the midst of something or with things on my mind that I can’t shake off quickly to engage fully.
When you schedule a conversation with a friend on the phone, the idea is to make it more like a conversation you would have with them if you were sitting together in a coffee shop. You would plan to meet someone at a specific time, on a specific date. (I once had a very long conversation with a dear friend during which I walked to the village, got a Starbucks, drank my coffee while sitting outside in the sunshine, wandered into an antique store after coffee and then walked back home. It was almost the same as the afternoon walks we used to take before I moved far away – but not quite – you get the picture).
Make sure you know which phone number works best for them. Agree who will call whom via text or email, in advance if possible. If they have a Facebook page, check it out before the call to see what’s on their mind and whether you’re willing to have a conversation about anything they’ve brought up. This will give you some ideas for questions to ask that should elicit a conversation.
When the time comes for the conversation, you might even make yourself a cup of coffee or tea and settle into a comfortable chair before connecting on the telephone. If you have a headset, use it! Leaves your hands free for talking… 😀
This is what it looks like…
…or this!
10 thoughts about phone calls with friends:
- How have you been? (And really mean it! “Fine” isn’t the answer you’re looking for…) Be prepared to listen without judgment and ask follow up questions to get more information about the friend’s life.
- If the friend has a hobby, ask what they’ve been doing lately. I have a friend who owns two horses. She goes to camps where she learns things like herding cattle. Although this is not a shared interest, I get great pleasure in hearing her talk about a happy time in her otherwise difficult life. Again, be prepared to listen, even if you don’t have the same interests.
- Along those lines, when your friend has a chronic illness or condition, or is with someone for whom they are the primary caregiver, I recommend bringing the subject up gently (often as easy as “how are you doing?” if they need to talk) to give them the opportunity to tell you what is happening for them. Sometimes they won’t go any further than saying “nothing new” but other times they will want to go into detail. Again, unless you’re asked, don’t offer advice!
- Before the phone call, think about something uplifting that has happened in your life since the last time you talked. Share that experience (and relive it yourself as you talk about it). This can be a book that you read, a movie you saw, a trip to the farmers market, a dinner party, a podcast, a workshop you attended, even a walk through the park.
- Do you have mutual friends? Ask about them or mention a communication you had with them that might be a happy moment to share.
- I try to stay away from politics these days, even if we share a point of view. I don’t necessary cut off the conversation, but I try to steer it back to something that is more positive. If the topic is climate change, bring up something you heard about that is a positive step in the right direction. If all else fails, talk about silly cat videos!
- If appropriate, share a joke you heard or a story you read that made you laugh out loud when you saw it on Facebook (you know you did!).
- Although you may firmly believe that everything happens for a reason, many friends are suffering with difficult conditions or even a terminal diagnosis and that “reason” is not evident to them or, really, to you. Don’t be dismissive of their immediate anxiety and pain by suggesting that there is something coming out of it in a future they may not be here to appreciate. We can suggest a path that might alleviate some of the pain and suffering, such as exercise or meditation, but only if the friend is receptive.
- I have talked about matters that are not upbeat, but I’m usually looking for advice (not just gossiping, which can be fun – you know what I mean – I don’t avoid that either, but it depends on my history with the friend). If I’m looking for their feedback, I usually let them know before launching into the topic.
- Guess what? Sometimes everything really is “Okay” right now! You can talk about what you’re doing in your life that makes you feel good, and feel good about yourself. If you have a hobby, you can talk about that. I like to cook, and I have a blog. I like to talk! And I’m getting better at listening (I think).
As the old Bell commercial said: “Reach out and touch someone”
(only don’t) 😉